Saturday, October 15, 2011

Musings on Paranormal Sex

I’ll be the first to admit that I love paranormal fiction, be it paranormal romance, urban fantasy or some bastardized version of the two.  There are hundreds (if not thousands) of writers out there on this very day, at the very moment typing away at their paranormal romance/urban fantasy manuscript.  The amount of creativity is astounding and it amazes me every time I read a new book.

My friend, Nina, and I were up one night gabbing on the phone (as we often do) about writing and we were discussing what the next big thing was going to be in paranormal fiction.  I had already hitched my wagon to faeries by the time we were having this conversation so it was just an exercise in speculation.  She had read somewhere that it was going to be mermaids. (Oh, please god, don’t let it be mermaids.)  I thought that was ridiculous.  Paranormal romance and urban fantasy has lots of sex in it.  How on earth was that going to work with mermaids?

This conversation made me think how ridiculous it all was and not just the scaly mermaid sex.  I’m not going to even consider a few vulgar, juvenile comments I could make.  The thing is mermaid sex isn’t sexy, not to mention anatomically impossible unless the mermaid is in human form.  If she’s in human form, then what’s the point of making her a mermaid at all?   To work on your watery prose?  It may work in some YA fiction with all of the pussy footing around and little actual sex.  But fish spawn.  Enough said.

Wings are as ridiculous as fish tales.  Any sex worth the effort is bound to pull out a few feathers or tear a pretty gossamer wing.  If you have wings, does that mean you always get to be on top?  Speaking of creatures with wings, what about angels?  How is a hero supposed to stick it to an angel without an overarching feeling of guilt?

Werewolf sex only works when the two are in human form or both in wolf form.  Human and wolf would be a whole different genre and wolf-on-wolf action is a little too nature show for me.  It reminds me the time when I was a kid and my dad was watching a tape on deer hunting. When it was time for Mr. Deer to mount Mrs. Deer, my dad made me leave the room.  I peaked. Still wish I hadn’t.

I’m not sure what the attraction is to succubae is.  Maybe it’s the same draw as autoerotic asphyxiation – let’s see how close to death the bitch can bring you without actually killing you. We all know how well that worked out for David Carradine. 

I have to admit I’ve never really considered books with dragons before. I usually just rolled my eyes at the thought.  Men that turn into dragons (or is dragons that can turn into men?) sounds like a logistical nightmare to me.  Dragons are huge.  What do you do with your honey if he’s loses his temper and changed forms in your living room?  Order a new sofa every time?  And most importantly, what about the sex?  Is there a chance you could get toasted when he climaxes?

I’m so sick of vampires I could scream.  If you can get past the super human strength, the sharp pointy teeth and the new nocturnal lifestyle, it’s still a little too emergency room with the blood and gore all over the place.  And you know it’s impossible to get blood out of sheets.  Just saying.

I can poke fun at all of these things.  The reality is if you can write it well, I’ll read it.  Even if it’s about vampires. In fact, I’ll probably read your next book about some crazy creature you’ve decided would make a great hero in a book just to see if you can do it.

What king of paranormal romance/urban fantasy do you like? What do you think is ridiculous?  Leave a comment.  I’d love to know.  While you are at it, suggests some new writers for me as well.

11 comments:

  1. This is hysterical. I think you ruined my entire love of paranormal sex but I’m like you and I will continue reading! I hate to admit I finished writing my first vampire book. Look the other way when it comes out:-)

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  2. Hmmn. The ins and outs of paranormal sex-- err, I mean you raise some good points-- uh, why can't I say anything that isn't a double entendre?

    I haven't reached overload on vamps yet-- I keep finding quirky series that keep my interest. Like the Undead and Unwed series or the American Vampire series. Don't know what that says about me!

    A friend, R.K. Ryals, just wrote an angels/demons teen paranormal that keeps the sex at a simmer, thereby postponing who goes where. It's called Redemption.

    I'm going to keep an eye out for your books!

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  3. @Suzie -- I will check out your vampire book when it comes out!

    @Melanie -- I'll let you know when I have something fit to publish.

    Thanks for your comments, ladies!

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  4. (Laughing to myself) Your post read like a menu from an 800 phone number. Hi... would you like to pretend I'm the good witch or the bad witch. "Oooh, look at your burning stake!" Sorry, getting carried a way here. You know

    Zombies are all the rage right now. How embarrassing that scene would be with appendages just falling off here and there. If you couldn't guess, I enjoyed reading your POV very well.

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  5. @MadCityBlue

    I thought about adding Zombie sex to my post, but I figured if I ignored Zombies they might go away. I can't find a single sexy aspect to Zombie love with all the rotting flesh, eating brains, mindlessness, etc. I might be able to get behind a Revenant in a romantic tale, but it's not the same as a Zombie.

    But as my MC says about men, "Men will stick their dicks in just about anything."

    Thanks for the comment.

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  6. Look at the conversation your started! Great questions and funny answers.

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  7. Chiming in late. I love werewolves and dragons.

    Although, I see dragons as more solitary nature guys. You're right they need a huge area to live in. Which is why underground caves work so well. ;)

    I don't get mermaids, although I like selkies. But they have the same issues. Can only have sex in human form and really who wants all the beach sand.

    One I don't get is the Zombie influence. Okay zombie and romance just don't go together. Rotting flesh and sex - ugg. No. Hell No. Of course, this is also why I don't write vampires. Dead is dead and I can't get past that. Any vampires I write will be alive not dead.

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  8. Have you ever read The Dragon Delasangre? If not, I highly recommend it.

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    1. I'll check it out. Thanks for the suggestion.

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  9. My series features some supernatural Fae creatures and human women who work together, and fall in love along the way. My human/non-human pairs include incubi, kelpies, selkies, Fae changelings... and there's a shifter, too.

    L.M. Murphy
    Murphy's Pub, writing blog: www.murphyatwork.blogspot.com
    See Murphy Write, personal blog: www.seemurphywrite.blogspot.com

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  10. I know im late on this one but zombies are a no go.Angels well the wings got to go.Who wants to cough up feathers.lol

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