Musings on Paranormal Sex

I’ll be the first to admit that I love paranormal fiction, be it paranormal romance, urban fantasy or some bastardized version of the two.  There are hundreds (if not thousands) of writers out there on this very day, at the very moment typing away at their paranormal romance/urban fantasy manuscript.  The amount of creativity is astounding and it amazes me every time I read a new book.

My friend, Nina, and I were up one night gabbing on the phone (as we often do) about writing and we were discussing what the next big thing was going to be in paranormal fiction.  I had already hitched my wagon to faeries by the time we were having this conversation so it was just an exercise in speculation.  She had read somewhere that it was going to be mermaids. (Oh, please god, don’t let it be mermaids.)  I thought that was ridiculous.  Paranormal romance and urban fantasy has lots of sex in it.  How on earth was that going to work with mermaids?

This conversation made me think how ridiculous it all was and not just the scaly mermaid sex.  I’m not going to even consider a few vulgar, juvenile comments I could make.  The thing is mermaid sex isn’t sexy, not to mention anatomically impossible unless the mermaid is in human form.  If she’s in human form, then what’s the point of making her a mermaid at all?   To work on your watery prose?  It may work in some YA fiction with all of the pussy footing around and little actual sex.  But fish spawn.  Enough said.

Wings are as ridiculous as fish tales.  Any sex worth the effort is bound to pull out a few feathers or tear a pretty gossamer wing.  If you have wings, does that mean you always get to be on top?  Speaking of creatures with wings, what about angels?  How is a hero supposed to stick it to an angel without an overarching feeling of guilt?

Werewolf sex only works when the two are in human form or both in wolf form.  Human and wolf would be a whole different genre and wolf-on-wolf action is a little too nature show for me.  It reminds me the time when I was a kid and my dad was watching a tape on deer hunting. When it was time for Mr. Deer to mount Mrs. Deer, my dad made me leave the room.  I peaked. Still wish I hadn’t.

I’m not sure what the attraction is to succubae is.  Maybe it’s the same draw as autoerotic asphyxiation – let’s see how close to death the bitch can bring you without actually killing you. We all know how well that worked out for David Carradine. 

I have to admit I’ve never really considered books with dragons before. I usually just rolled my eyes at the thought.  Men that turn into dragons (or is dragons that can turn into men?) sounds like a logistical nightmare to me.  Dragons are huge.  What do you do with your honey if he’s loses his temper and changed forms in your living room?  Order a new sofa every time?  And most importantly, what about the sex?  Is there a chance you could get toasted when he climaxes?

I’m so sick of vampires I could scream.  If you can get past the super human strength, the sharp pointy teeth and the new nocturnal lifestyle, it’s still a little too emergency room with the blood and gore all over the place.  And you know it’s impossible to get blood out of sheets.  Just saying.

I can poke fun at all of these things.  The reality is if you can write it well, I’ll read it.  Even if it’s about vampires. In fact, I’ll probably read your next book about some crazy creature you’ve decided would make a great hero in a book just to see if you can do it.

What king of paranormal romance/urban fantasy do you like? What do you think is ridiculous?  Leave a comment.  I’d love to know.  While you are at it, suggests some new writers for me as well.